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Jan 20th, 2009 at 00:13:23 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (XBX) |
San Andreas – Day 2
I start up the game again, finally ridding myself of the stench of that horrible failure from last time. Guess I’ll follow the story for awhile. I get a phone call from some dude. I hang up after like 5 seconds because I really don’t care. I walk down the street and meet some dude named Ryder or something. He calls me a bitch and we drive to the barber’s. Guess we need a haircut something fierce; I can see why society hates these games. I change my hairstyle to an afro and beard; you know, to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies.
Now we go to a pizza place. Seriously, Mario games are more violent than this. Now Ryder is robbing the pizza place with a gun, for some reason. And the pizza dude whips out a shotgun, so we run away. Yippee. Anyway, I continue along the storyline. Uh oh, now I’ve gotta spray some graffiti! Look out cops, I am a menace to society. The graffiti spots I’m supposed to tag are hard to find, though. After like 10 minutes I get fed up and kill a few people with the spray paint. Of course, a cop shows up and beats me down. I need a gun or something.
Along the way back to the mission I failed, I run into a gang of purple dudes. They open fire and I run like crazy. I guess I’m in the wrong neighborhood. Anyway, I finally get back home to save, so I decide to explore my house. It’s pretty desolate except for a game I can play in-game. It’s called “It Crawled From Uranus.” Funny. It’s basically an Asteroids clone. I also find a camera upstairs. I don’t know why I would use it, but whatever.
After another like 15 minutes of fruitless graffiti hunting, I get extremely agitated. So what do I do? I punch out a cop on a motorcycle. A cop car stops to arrest me, and I spray them with my spray paint. They drop a gun, yay! I shoot another cop car that stops and ride off on the motorcycle. After a long chase that claims a few more cops I accidentally ramp into the river. My wanted level is 3 stars, so a helicopter comes and shoots me dead in the water. Ah well, at least it’s better than being wasted by a prostitute. Maybe I’m a decent gangster after all.
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Jan 18th, 2009 at 19:14:52 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (XBX) |
San Andreas – Day 1
I popped the game in and watched the opening cinematics. I’m a stereotypical thug, cool. I'm leaving the air port, returning from out of town. I’m here to bury my mom or something, but the cops are out to get me and make my life hell, I guess. Why they be hatin’? They arrest me and drive around, eventually arriving in a bad neighborhood. They throw me out of the car, and I gain control. There’s a bike, which the game tells me to hop on. Who am I to argue? I pedal off and immediately crash into the first telephone pole in the game. Yeesh, controls are kinda jittery. I get back on, and not 20 feet further I nearly hit an officer. He immediately destroys me with his nightstick and arrests me. Wow, I have to be the worst gangster ever. I “wake up” at the police station, and decide to keep moving. I lost my bike though, so now I have to walk to my target, CJ or something. That is, until I remember what game I’m playing. I run out into the middle of the street and carjack the first dude who comes by. What now, bitches?
I arrive at CJ’s, with my car in less than great condition (who actually drives on roads, anyway?). The house is empty, and Carl (my character) is freaking out for some reason. I realize this is my house because some dude called Big Smoke comes in and calls me CJ. And he tells me my mom was murdered, so I guess that will be my mission for this game. And now we drive off…somewhere. I’ll be honest, I’m not paying attention to the cutscenes. We meet up with some other dudes, and everyone starts yelling. And then someone does a drive-by, a car explodes, and I regain control. I hop onto a bike and follow the other guys I was with. The car chases us and shoots us a few times. What a jerk.
Anyway, we get back to our part of the neighborhood. I save the game, and decide to ditch the main story for a bit. The guys I’m with just keep making fun of me, so I think I’ll find something fun to do. I hate riding the bike, so I carjack some dude’s van. The driver actually puts up a fight, so I pummel his face until he goes down. Sweet. I start driving, and see a group of people dressed in purple. I figure they’re a rival gang or something, so I run them down. Gotta represent my crew. I keep driving around, looking for something to do. So many buildings, yet I can’t go into any of them. It’s no wonder why I left this place. I accidentally drive into a river, so I ditch the van.
I hijack a semi-truck this time, but a cop sees me, so I speed out of there. Well, speed as well as a truck can. I eventually leave the truck in the middle of the street and cause a traffic jam; evil personified. I'm growing extremely bored, so I decide to cause as much trouble as I can before I stop for the night. I punch out a prostitute who’s near me. Astonishingly, she whips out a gun and completely destroys me. The screen fades to black, and I wake up at the hospital. I am seriously the worst gangster ever.
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